Subway sandwiches were originally a much bigger staple in my vegan diet. Maybe it’s because there are just so many more vegan options all around me now, but lately I don’t go to Subway all that much. But when I do, I feel like I manage to eat pretty healthfully (except for the bread** of course).
**note that the only vegan bread offering is the Italian Bread.
When I first went vegetarian (6 months prior to going vegan) I used to get their VegiMax Patty which, I must admit, was pretty delicious (especially when microwaved and the edges would get a little crunchy). But it’s far from vegan. It contains egg whites and casein. Sheesh, people! Find another binding agent, already!
So over time I learned just to get the following…
For your amusement, I will type this using the exact words I use to order this deliciousness…..
1) Could you please get a new pair of gloves first? Yes…. Yeah, a new pair of gloves? Yeah, it’s gonna be a vegetarian sub, so….. Oh, thanks….. yeah, okay, so….
2) Can I please have a footlong Veggie Delite on Italian Bread, NOT toasted, NO cheese?
3) [AT THIS POINT THE BREAD IS USUALLY SLICED AND HANDED OFF TO ANOTHER EMPLOYEE WHO IS WEARING OLD GLOVES WHICH HAVED TOUCHED MEAT AND CHEESE AN MAYO AND TUNA AND GROSSNESS….. WHEN THIS IS THE CASE, I STOP THEM AND ASK THEM FOR NEW GLOVES AS WELL]
4) Do you have spinach?…. No?…… (small sigh of disappointment — small, but intentionally audible) …..Okay, then just a LITTLE bit of lettuce, please (and it is ALWAYS too much. ALWAYS)……. Could I also have tomatoes and onions?….. yeah, two more slices of tomato, please? And more onions….. Thank you!…. and green peppers? …… Could I have MORE green peppers? …….. Thanks so much ……. could I also have Cucumbers and Pickles? ……… More pickles please? …… And could I please have extra, EXTRA black olives? ……. Thank you……… Yeah, actually even a little MORE bla……. yeah, that’s GREAT!!!! Thank you…….. [SOMETIMES THERE IS AN ARGUMENT HERE ABOUT ASKING FOR “EXTRA” ANYTHING, TELLING ME THAT “EXTRA” ANYTHING WILL MEAN IT COSTS MORE — TO WHICH I USUALLY RESPOND SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “FINE, F****** CHARGE ME WHAT YOU F****** WANT, JUST F****** GIVE ME SOME MORE F****** OLIVES!!!!!!!!!” — although I do it very politely of course] ………… And could I please have that with BBQ sauce and oregano, please?…… Thank you……. Could I just have a little more BBQ sauce please?…… Thanks so much!
5) [HERE IS WHERE I ***IMMEDIATELY*** CAUTION THEM “Could you please use a CLEAN knife? A CLEEEEEEAN knife?” …… Here’s the deal…. they sometimes use one small knife just to hold all the ingredients in while they close the sandwich. Sometimes they use the same knife to cut the sub, or sometimes they grab a bigger knife to do the cutting. In either case, that knife has touched just about every possible ingredient there…. ingredients from sea creatures, land creatures, and animals that stand in concrete stalls with their own feces, as their babies are torn away so we can steal their mammary secretions…….. It is gross to me when these ingredients come into contact with my plant-based, sun-fed ingredients. So I have to get their attention and INSIST on a clean knife (or sometimes just NO knife) from this point on. At this point, it becomes a battle of wills. Their will to not be bossed around by some vegan jerk versus my will to get what I want cuz this is America. Usually they’ll grab a dry napkin and wipe off the knife. This is where I specify that I want them to WASH it with soap and water (which, let’s face it, takes about second and just isn’t that hard to do.)
6) Release a HEFTY SIGH here, because that was an ordeal for myself, the employee, and any customers now held up in line behind me.
7) Grab yourself a nice apple juice and, if they have them, the original Sun Chips (or whichever vegan chips you prefer)
8) ENJOY!! If you’ve made it this far you’ll have a delicious and filling vegan meal!
These instructions become particularly handy in airports and malls. Be sure to follow them exactly! Ben will be so proud